Thursday, June 22, 2006

Let's get this thing over with

I've had a major change of heart recently. I now enthusiastically support every far-right-wing social program. I think it's time we really gave these things a shot:
  • No abortions, ever. Both mother and doctor will be prosecuted for murder. If it's murder, it's murder.
  • A massive law enforcement ramp-up in order to forcibly eject every illegal alien currently on American soil. Build a giant death wall along every foot of the U.S.-Mexico border.
  • Death penalty for all murderers and sex offenders, after a single "trial." No appeals. All executions public, and televised.
  • Gay people barred by Constitutional Amendment from marriage, adopting or raising children, teaching in schools, and military service of any kind. Sodomy laws re-introduced and zealously enforced. Further measures as needed.
  • Divorce and adultery both illegal, with harsh sentences in all cases, no exceptions.
  • Dismantle both the Department of Education and the entire U.S. public education system. All school taxes are abolished.
  • Unions outlawed. Every state to follow "at-will" labor practices in all industries.
  • No more White House press conferences. If the President wants to say something to us, he'll go on TV and do it.
  • Homeland Security will be in charge of stopping speech in any form judged "anti-American."
  • The Ten Commandments, in either sculptural or written form, posted in every courthouse and public building. (Obviously, religion in school is now a non-issue.)
I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff - if I am, let me know in the comments and I'll add it. But I think the time for this stuff has come. Let's give it a whirl. It's what we want, right?


X Philius said...

Your ideas are interesting to me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the apocalypse.

Thomas More said...

That's true. Although I'm not sure how to translate the End Times into policy.

Wait - yes I can. A global religious war would do the trick, I think.

Anonymous said...

You'll also need the super secret decoder ring. This gets you free stuff at corprately owned businesses. The exception being Whole Foods, of course. Too many lefties hanging around to be super secret. Hurry, though. Time's running out. ;) Isn't the dark side fun!

Thomas More said...

Yes! It's so much easier.

Anonymous said...

Well, no duh! It's so much easier to start a war and send your fellow countrymen off to die. We were doing that hard stuff for years. Forget that. See, you accomplish several things this easier way - satisfy your inherent bloodlust and accelerate the rapture. Good times.

If you're quick about it you can still get your "I Heart Ann Coulter" mug. It plays God Bless America every time you take a drink.

Thomas More said...

Actually, I meant having the mindset is easier. But since both Bush and the Iranian president believe in something resembling the Rapture, you're actually not too far off.

And as for that mug, if it doesn't already exist, someone's missing out on a goldmine. A goldmine, I tell ya!

Thomas More said...

Boy that "bloodlust" thing really stuck in your craw, huh? Maybe it's just a tiny bit too close to true.

In the week before [Karla Faye Tucker's] execution, Bush says, Bianca Jagger and a number of other protesters came to Austin to demand clemency for Tucker. "Did you meet with any of them?" I ask.

Bush whips around and stares at me. "No, I didn't meet with any of them," he snaps, as though I've just asked the dumbest, most offensive question ever posed. "I didn't meet with Larry King either when he came down for it. I watched his interview with her, though. He asked her real difficult questions, like 'What would you say to Governor Bush?' "

"What was her answer?" I wonder.

"Please," Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, "don't kill me."

-Tucker Carlson, Talk Magazine

Anonymous said...

Does this mean you're not joining? Damn. I get a bonus for every one I sign up.

Anonymous said...

"At the murder scene, investigators found the pickax still embedded in Thornton's chest. Tucker even boasted at her trial that she experienced an orgasm each time she plunged the ax down upon her victims."

I kinda don't give a shit about Karla Faye Tucker. I'm like that.

Thomas More said...

So as long as you don't "give a shit" about the person, Bush gets off the hook? Neat trick.

Of course, in Right Wing World, the President of the United States, the Leader of the Free World, is responsible for nothing - thus, nothing is ever his fault. Another neat trick.

Hey, at one time I might have expected more from you, Anonymous. That was arrogant of me, and I apologize.

Thomas More said...

Oh, and the cherry on top of the sundae of that Bush comment? It was a lie. :-) She never said any such thing in the interview. So either he lied about watching it, or lied about the content.

Reminds me of some comic recently who said, "I don't understand why we can't find some Democratic woman willing to give President Bush a blowjob, so we can impeach him." It's funny because it's true!

Anonymous said...

Ever wonder what the sounds of repeated pickaxe blows are? According to Karla it's kinda squooshy and erotic. What do you think the victims whispered? Probably not much after the first couple blows, so who cares.

So why do you think Karla Faye Tucker shouldn't have gotten the death penalty? Some fault with the trial process? She's a woman? She's a woman who found God? Just against the death penalty altogether? Do you actually care about Karla or is it that Bush was flippant about it with Tucker Carlson?

The real outrage is the leader of the free world is disgusted by some murders and is crappy about it to a reporter. It's not the execution itself, which appears to have been legal, and not the violent end of these two human beings. Geez, where was his political face there? He obviously didn't have the earplug in. And he wouldn't meet with Bianca Jagger to get her views on it. Though we don't know for sure, rumor is he had a glint in his eye.

"Of course, in Right Wing World, the President of the United States, the Leader of the Free World, is responsible for nothing -thus, nothing is ever his fault."

I don't know. I think you have potential. I could still send you that neocon starter kit.

Thomas More said...

My point wasn't about the death penalty. How obtuse can you be? Did you hear him cackle when he talked during the debates about those guys he put to death in Texas? But yet "bloodlust" is just beyond the pale, huh? ("Flippant" is a hilarious word. Hi-larious.) But again, nothing he does or says matters, right? Dragging it back to the death penalty when you know it's not about that is a perfect example. Deflect, deflect, deflect. I'm fucking sick of it, frankly. Maybe if I could get a Bush cultist to one time admit that Bush said or did something wrong that didn't involve being too nice to brown people, I'd have some perspective and "fairness" about this. Until then, I'm going to go on being the bastard you already know I am. Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

I understood your point wasn't about the death penalty. Bush wasn't speaking in a vacuum. He was intimately aware of the facts and details of this case, as any governor in his position would be. I don't think he should have said it, but I am not outraged by this. Despite being against the death penalty, I'm more outraged by the actual crime. The victims are always lost in the shuffle. I understand you think this makes me a Bush cultist.

I was being silly here because of the tone of your post, but you're serious about this list. You believe these things will happen with this administration.

Anonymous said...

"But again, nothing he does or says matters, right?"

If you're talking about me, that is wrong. You brought up the death penalty case, so that's what I responded to. That is something I have strong emotions about. If you think quoting a comment Bush made regarding a murderer will change my already mixed opinions of him, it won't. I don't know why you quoted it to begin with.